I have been there. [Not here, he still considers himself under special dispensation. But there was Jessica at home, he knew the whole time it was a bad idea.]
Okay, I am going to ask you a question that is really for you to think about and answer for yourself. You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to. Why are you, ah, continuing the association? What is making it hard for you to stop?
I think there are worse reasons. Feeling like someone understands you and values you enough to put the work in to give you what you need is... it is a really good feeling. [He takes a moment to rub his face. His viewpoint has shifted a lot since he got here.]
Kinda? I know I...I found out he was a vampire after I'd been fucking him and I stopped in large part because of that commandment, but then I...started again. 'The dick is good' does not seem like a good reason.
And we haven't even touched commandments one and two, either. By wanting to stay here, what the fuck am I doing if not subverting fate? Having too much pity on my own death?
I don't know if I can help you with the dick being too good. I have made too many bad choices for similar reasons. [j e s s i c a]
But... more seriously, I do not think you are subverting fate at all. None of us chose to be brought here, and we don't really have a choice about staying. Maybe this is what fate chose for you? Maybe this is your reward for being a faithful champion. We cannot know the mind of G... of the gods.
I should at least be...I should at least wish I wasn't. I should at least wish that my fate would get back in line with what it's supposed to be. She was very clear that the next stop for me was the afterlife and I'm pretty sure you're not dead.
On one hand, being ashamed that your thoughts and feelings don't match what you think they should is a pretty Catholic way to feel... [That is a joke.]
...on the other, it's pretty much bullshit, Vax. That kind of shame, it's useless. What would it do except make you miserable? If you don't feel that way, you can't force yourself to feel that way by feeling guilty about it. Why wouldn't you be happy that you have more time with your friends and your family? You don't have to commit to that level of self-negation.
[He doesn't talk for a minute, and when he speaks his voice has gone quiet.]
I pledged to be Hers. Body, mind, heart, and soul. I did it so She would let my sister live. If I don't hold up my end, how do I expect Her to hold up Hers?
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voice;
Okay, I am going to ask you a question that is really for you to think about and answer for yourself. You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to. Why are you, ah, continuing the association? What is making it hard for you to stop?
voice;
Honestly? Pretty sure it's just cause he's good at it. At me.
voice;
Do you feel like what you are doing is wrong?
voice;
And we haven't even touched commandments one and two, either. By wanting to stay here, what the fuck am I doing if not subverting fate? Having too much pity on my own death?
voice;
But... more seriously, I do not think you are subverting fate at all. None of us chose to be brought here, and we don't really have a choice about staying. Maybe this is what fate chose for you? Maybe this is your reward for being a faithful champion. We cannot know the mind of G... of the gods.
voice;
voice;
...on the other, it's pretty much bullshit, Vax. That kind of shame, it's useless. What would it do except make you miserable? If you don't feel that way, you can't force yourself to feel that way by feeling guilty about it. Why wouldn't you be happy that you have more time with your friends and your family? You don't have to commit to that level of self-negation.
voice;
I pledged to be Hers. Body, mind, heart, and soul. I did it so She would let my sister live. If I don't hold up my end, how do I expect Her to hold up Hers?